Some of my friends and family have asked about how things are going and I just usually give them the one liner: things are going good, or things are getting better.
I feel awkward talking about my cancer in social settings, I'm okay talking about it one on one with people but I am honestly the kind of person that will tell you what you want to hear. If you're just asking to be nice or because you don't know what else to say to me you'll get one of my one liners.
Occasionally my close friends and family have genuinely wanted to know what was going on and so I tell them what has been going on. I know it's sometimes uncomfortable for other people to talk to me about my cancer so I have decided to be better about giving updates on my blog. That way I can tell you what's really happening if you really want to know and if you don't then that's okay too.
For those of you who don't know (or may have forgotten) I have endometrial or uterine cancer. Click HERE for more information. I was diagnosed about a year ago (almost to the date). As far as I know it is still stage I. Because of this Mark and I are looking at trying to get pregnant ASAP.
The only way to get rid of the cancer is to have a hysterectomy. Right now the cancer is just in my uterus but as time passes it could spread, thus causing me to possibly need radiation treatment and/or chemo in the future. It has been very scary for me and Mark. Your knee jerk reaction is to get the cancer removed as soon as possible. At the same time we want to try and have children.
After prayer and careful consideration we have decided to try and get pregnant. But part of the reason I can't get pregnant is the same reason I have uterine cancer. We have gone to see Dr. Peterson several times at the U of U fertility clinic. He is an awesome doctor. A few months ago we were prepped and ready for the EXPENSIVE IVF. Because of my condition he said the procedure would have to be done in the hospital and would be more expensive.
I was honestly ready to do the IVF but had lingering doubts. After praying about it and talking to Mark we have decided to hold off on IVF. I had been taking some hormone medication to suppress the cancer growth but it had awful side effects. I felt sluggish and tired all the time, and I gained a tremendous amount of weight. The pills were suppressing the cancer but my overall health was suffering. At that time I decided it was time to take Mark up on his offer for us to go see an acupuncturist/herbalist. It has been such a blessing and he has given me some herbal medicine that has really helped. I have stopped taking the hormones and feel much better.
So, now you have my adventure so far (the quick version anyway). A lot of people think I am crazy for not having an immediate hysterectomy and a lot of people have told me that I should just adopt kids instead of having my own, but these are DIFFICULT decisions for anyone to make, including me. Just like I knew I was supposed to go on a mission, just like I knew I was supposed to marry Mark I know that I should hold off on IVF and wait for a bit (with this cancer growing inside me).
Through all of this I think my faith in my Savior and my love for the gospel has gotten me through this. I have been reading Elder Holland's new book "Broken Things To Mend." In this book he talks about having reservoirs of faith that you can use in times of challenge or trial. I feel like I have been dipping into mine recently.
I just keep taking things one step at a time...and I never (okay, most of the time) think about the What If's. The What If's are too scary. What if I can't have kids? What if my cancer spreads? What will happen to Mark if I die? I try not to think about the unknown. I take care of what I can...Mark and I have a plan if I passed away, I have backup plans for everything and I try to keep all my bases covered.
But for now I am okay most of the time, I don't get sad most of the time, I don't cry most of the time, and I don't think about What If most of the time. I am not angry about anything that has happened. I know everything happens for a reason (as cliche as it sounds) and I have seen the Lord in my life more and more since this has happened.
Thanks for all your love and support. It means more than you will know.
1 week ago
4 comments:
Steph,
I think you are so incredible. Your faith astounds and impresses me constantly. Hang in there and I too believe that the Lord will take you down the path he has chosen for you. I'm glad that you are still doing well. I wonder sometimes but don't want to be intrusive and ask. :)
Heather
Stephanie,
I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle with cancer. I know first hand how difficult and personal this experience is...especially the decisions you have to make for yourself that sometimes, people don't agree with. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma almost 3 years ago. It was a very scary and difficult experience. I went through 4 months of chemotherapy and a month of radiation. The chemo had the potential to make me sterile. I desperately wanted more children and it was hard to allow toxic chemicals into my body that could destroy that possibility. The doctors put me into menopause to try to protect my eggs. They weren't positive this would work, but hopeful. I went through the very difficult treatment and now, almost 3 years later, I'm finally pregnant. I had family members who didn't want me to do traditional treatment and instead pushed me towards alternative therapies. But I had to make my own decision and relied heavily on the guidance of the spirit. If you do that, you can't go wrong. Follow the spirit and I know the Lord will bless you. Good luck with your journey. It's a long and difficult road, but you're right, everything happens for a reason. Getting cancer was one of the best things that ever happened to me because of the lessons I learned. Take care! Rachel
I love you. I am glad you are trying to have your own babies. It's such a roller coaster when that is one of the challenges that you face, but it has really made me appricate my little girls. I know that I can tell them how much we wanted them and how happy we were when they came! You can borrow them when ever you want. I know I got those baby hungry days and had to go kidnap one of my nieces or nephews.
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